I am nervously waiting for something massive to happen. Something terrifying. I am waiting for a phone call. A text. An e-mail. I am waiting for somebody to tell me exactly what they think about what I’ve done. I was nervous at first but now I just ache. All I can think about is the impending judgement. Everything else is fading to grey. Nothing else matters. Everything else is easy. All I can think about doing is checking my e-mails. So I check my e-mails. I think about David Shrigley’s little cartoon in which a weird man sits at his computer and the screen says YOU HAVE NO FUCKING EMAILS.

I have no fucking e-mails.

I look at my mobile blankly. It is not doing anything. I refresh the computer screen.

I have no fucking e-mails.

I send an e-mail to myself that says ‘youhavenofuckingemails’.


Ihavenofuckingemails. I have no fucking emails. Ihavenofuckingemails. Ihavenofuckingemails. Ihavenofuckingemails. Please. I have no emails. I am still waiting. I am still aching. My head and mind have turned grey. There is something massive approaching. Something huge and life-changing. Something terrifying. It is a Godly hammer. It is a judgement. It is entirely of my own making. It is only happening because of me. It is going to fall on me via technology and I don’t. Know. When.

I still have no fucking emails. Please.

Email me.


4 Responses to “Judgement”

  1. Richard W Says:

    I’ll fucking email you in a minute pal. Seriously though, I’ll no duobt send one tomorrow in an attempt to aleviate the tedium that is work.

    But it shan’t be the email you’re waiting for. Oh no.

    I take glee from the fact that when you see your inbox with a nice fat ‘(1)’ next to it there’ll be a brief moment of excitment when you ask yourself… could this be the one! But NO! HA! Tis but I, bitching about something or other that is of little consequence. And you’ll die a little bit inside.

  2. About time we had an update round here marrow! this site don’t write itself you know.

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